When my world gets small
I want to rearrange
the components of it
just to feel something different
When I don’t have access to my friends
I want to implode my relationship
to “make room.”
When I limit my socializing
I want to make enormous plans
that I never begin reaching toward —
and then feel badly about myself
for not getting to the moon.
When I stay in and don’t travel
I want to quit my job
and seek an exciting change
of scenery for a dopamine hit.
When my world gets small —
which it did during COVID
just like the rest of the world —
when my world gets small
my ego has had a tendency
of retaliating – it lurches.
But, I’m catching it.
Eeny meeny miney mo
catch my ego by its toe.
When it hollers — stay the course!
My thirties have brought me
clarity on these surges.
Clarity that I am more than
the push and pull of my ego.
Clarity that my stable life
is not a fright to run away from
it’s a cushioned couch to sink into.
Clarity that I can make my world
just a little bigger
in purposeful ways when
I begin to feel antsy, stuck, or impulsive.
Are you like me?
Do you want to feel something
big, meaningful, and different?
And have you blown up your life
in the past
in order to feel alive?
Welcome to the tug-of-war
that desire and stability play!
This is one of my reasons why
I have to sit quietly with myself.
Why I have to write.
Why I have to read,
Why I have to do the work
and have a coach
and sometimes a therapist
and many times a friend in myself
to scoot over
and let me sit in this messy learning
for a bit.
And so it goes, on repeat in my mind:
“Every day in every way
I am getting better and better. “
And so are you.