Reveal

Pull old notebooks out

to seek inspiration

in the printed

cursive words

sheets of paper

blue and black ink charting

emotions with

penmanship

that moves with

the frequency of once-

importance

shifting from clean, clear

to ragged, jagged

tight and loose.

—-

The last Monday in New York City

Sipping green tea

with a ginger twist

looking outward

and notice

when I don’t wear my contacts

I feel partially invisible

and I wonder if

I would be any good

at writing fiction.

 

I ran the Boston Marathon

And you know

I prefer the sidelines

of Heartbreak Hill

and

I am underwhelmed

with a time of 3:24

and my feet hurt

like a bitch.

 

On May tenth

that year

I want to be beautiful

again.

 

On July nineteenth

I remind myself

I am beautiful.

I remind myself

I am strong.

I am personable, fun.

I am intelligent.

I am more than what the others

perceive me

to be.

 

The next year

I load a truck

with all my things.

People say,

you are so brave.

and I want to be–

brave that is.

And I don’t want easy

for the sake of easy.

 

Coffee in a cup.

A young dad sits

in the booth next to me

on a chilled February

day

side-by-side with a boy:

gives a side hug

a kiss on the ear

ruffles his hair

like they do in the movies.

 

I went to his show

got drunk

and wrote a love note*

on my phone

as he drove me home.

With him I can stay

in my soft places

I don’t have to

struggle

with ferocity.

I realize

I have broken down

completely

so that I may be

rebuilt.

—–

There they were

the printed

cursive words

sheets of paper

the blue and black ink charting

emotions with a

penmanship

that moves with

the frequency of once-

importance

slipping

away

into the dusty

prickled corners

of memory.

 

———

 

* A Drunk Love Note from a Car ride Home in Minneapolis: 

‘Do you love me?’

You think

with a glitter of your glanced eye

and I sit back

in the passenger seat.

I respond

with my eyes:

I love

more than I can say

to you

tonight.

 

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