Four Months Go By: A Self-Reflection through Journaling

“Four months go by” is pulled from select entries from my journaling notebook. Entries were written first thing in the morning light, most of which are prior to sunrise. Color coded in its own way. Enjoy my slow growth. 

October. 

Still working on my confidence. I feel jealousy toward others… yet I know I can shine with what I have.

I got to see a patient from earlier this year at work today. She was so lovely. She lit up walking into the room and I lit up too.

He has long hair now. His temperament is relaxed and sweet. He is proud of me — genuinely — and happy for the sake of my own growth. Seeing him was like revisiting with myself and with my heart.

I miss Barb. She’s not there. Too many people can now see that from the outside looking in.

He’s hurt. I feel more free.

November. 

Good morning, world. I am here.

It’s on me. My need for space, for independence, for the growth of my own personality and the woman I want to be.

I wake with stress in my chest.

I had a good long cry in my living room floor.

A few people have told me how brave I am. That feels good to hear. I want to be brave.

I don’t want easy for the sake of easy. I want joy and sadness and the ups and downs of me and life and my emotions.

To be still is not to stop moving completely. It is inner peace as one moves.

I am worthy of love and I am enough.

The things I love can flourish here.

I have a slight pulse in my body from the wine last night. My hot cup of coffee comforts me.

It is so peaceful to hit the early morning pavement for 30 minutes… I’ve enjoyed smiling with the others jogging, walking, cycling. We are the risers, the movers, the ones who are paying attention to self.

And in the face of my fear, courage. Honesty is my superpower. And light is my wielded weapon against the darkness.

I am just so tired. I need to make it through this week, to pass this class.

My resistance to growth has not served me.

It was a “boxed up” love. I was sad. I needed to glean new perspectives, collect a new first kiss.

“Some people thrive off change,” Cindy told me. I was soaked in tears, shaking at the intensity of the moment. “YES.” I exclaimed, “That’s me.”

I feel it. I am tired today… it feels like a heavy dampness on me. I think I will accept where I am today and in doing so, accept where others are at.

It feels good to know that I am headed home with no one in tow. That’s good for some times. Tiring for others.

I sincerely delight in what I am doing and who I am right now.

Here’s the secret: I am smart. I am capable. I have the ability to learn more and share more and BE more! It is my right. I will celebrate that!

Drop the walls.

I went on a date. I kissed him at the end of the night. I wanted to just go at that point, to be honest. So, I left.

My apartment needs plants.

How beautiful to know that I have love and support — and can give love and support — to my siblings.

Four miles tonight, headlamp on, with a few other head-lamped runners, around the Lake of the Isles. Perfect.

I have the tendency to distance myself from others when I feel vulnerable.

I decided to go on another date tonight.

December. 

We had a good meal. Shared everything, got our fingers dirty, talked with our mouths full. Talked about life, spirituality, cynicism and caution.

“I find you attractive,” he told me, burying his beard into the turn of my neck. I laughed, a delicious fling of my head backward.

I want to show up every day. I want to breath in each moment, share with others when I am with them, be with me when I am alone. There it is. The secret. To find a sense of trust within myself.

I don’t need to make a bunch of money. I don’t need fancy clothes. I don’t need a million friends or a jammed packed social calendar. I need to spread goodness. And to shine. And in that, to teach others that they can shine, too.

What a gift health coaching has been!

Something is igniting within me. It’s going to break through the surface, I just know it. Will I be ready for it when it does?

My heart hurt. Tears sprung to my eyes. I didn’t know what to say, so I pulled him close into a deep hug, squeezing him.

And then I told him my story.

I didn’t know what needed to be heard until he said it.

There is something here, I feel it. Yet, I need to practice caution.

I am standing on my own two feet now. I am making my own rules, for me.

“How do you hold onto that?” Cindy asked. I replied, “It’s all around me now.”

It is December and I am slowly thawing.

A man who steals my sunshine is not allowed into the sacred energy that is me.

I desire beauty. And a little mess along with it. I desire inspiration and laughter and real, raw connection.

He promised me he would always be there for me. And I believe him. I didn’t say it back though because I am not sure I am capable of such a promise. He acknowledged that everything he knows about love and people and relationships, he learned from me.

My walls protect me.

I will not give up my power to another person again. I will not give up my power to another person again.

He seems to see my soul through my eyes. Do I see his?

I love myself. I respect myself. I will continue to shine so fucking bright.

I find myself laughing out loud recently. In the car, especially, after something delights me.

I love these early morning hours. The way it feels to write in the glow of the soft lamp as the sun slowly rises outside my window. The day is gray right now. The snow, trees, ground ,sky, even the buildings, are all darkened or grayed. There is a pink glow from the window beneath me.

More good things than bad, for sure, she told me.

Finally, a night alone.

I realize that I have been giving an awful lot. I’m merely at the window, peering in. As he opens the window and tries to pull me inside. I like it out here, though. It’s much more safe.

Perhaps this was an opportunity to simply notice, be curious, and then let it go.

How can I tap into my deepest sense of self — and truly represent who I am?

Is it because he sees me as flawed? Or because I see myself as flawed when I am with him.

(I sat down to write and it didn’t happen)

“I can’t be your therapist,” I said.

I have a life to create and I am a little worried that I am getting distracted from that.

I’m not going to NYC today.

Funny how I was never taught about money. What it was, how to be financially healthy.

Looking back, I am astounded by how far I’ve come. I traveled to Spain, I got engaged, I broke off that engagement, I moved out onto my own again. I barely ran, I joined a crossfit gym, I started practicing yoga. I went to my Grandma’s funeral in Arizona. I struggled through my Masters program. I quit my job at Lifespring to go to Abiente only to return to LifeSpring. I got a new title, Wellness Director. I made new friends. I paddleboarded. I walked a bunch of dogs. I journaled, sometimes blogged. I had 2 health coaches and 2 therapists. I made love. I listened to my heart. I tried the keto diet. Then Vegan/Vegetarian. Now mostly Paleo. I learned the basics of cooking and began to share that with others. I got a car. I saw fireworks in South Dakota and held a baby raccoon. I tried and loved acupuncture. Chinese massage. Meditation. I ran a 5k, then a trail half marathon, then a halloween half marathon without any training. I hosted an engagement party that did not “feel right.” I coached clients. I cried. I attended meditation retreats. Got hungover. Maxed out a credit card. Helped a friend sell her cool shit. Voiced my pain. I made a lot of tea, coffee. Read and write. Was insecure one day. Confident the next. I allowed myself to listen to my gut. I didn’t stay put because it was easy I moved, with difficulty, because it was the right thing to do. As Bo said, I can change the world from within.

January. 

Can’t I be independent within the presence of others? Isn’t that the beauty of knowing myself?

I am drawn to him.

And I think, nothing is certain.

“I don’t want to look in the mirror to see I’m just a fool again.”

And what parts of the story am I not allowing myself to hear fully?

Step back. Breathe into me, my space, my life, my talents, my sense of joy.

I’m learning how to express my needs.

I get so distracted so easily, don’t I?

I am a force. I create my wealth. In money. In health. In friendships. In love. In humor. In life. I am a force, god damnit.

Yesterday was a day full of “aliveness.” I had a perfect day.

“You just need to DO,” Ann Murie had told me, “Decide to DO. Choose to DO.”

I felt like a sparkler. A firecracker. An explosion of light, love, gratitude, power, exertion, hope, lightness. Happiness. Yes, I was attached to those feelings.

We could be great friends. 

Within me is the answer, the key. That I am alive. That I pulsate with energy of goodness, spunk, clarity and wholeness, giving and knowing when I need to receive.

I don’t miss him, but I miss the security of knowing that I am loved, cared for, needed, wanted.

What do you love? You gain courage from what you love.

I love words. The way that they can dance or hang or drift or collide or whisper or shout or inspire or elicit emotion.

I love fitness, movement, the capacity of the human body – MY body – to take part in the world in a challenging way.

“I will be!” I proclaimed. “I know it,” I said much softer.

I saw him last night. I left feeling frustrated.

I’m becoming less afraid.

I’ve been having this intense “knowing” lately that I am going to be successful.

I will not compromise my beliefs or try to be someone else.

I can feel my internal state shifting. I hope it doesn’t linger. I feel it pushing in my underbelly.

I am happy to reclaim my morning ritual.

I can feel this surge within me of knowing that the consistent work and effort is going to pay off.

Oh, I see such goodness.

Today, I will show up.

February.

My tendency can be to back away from my dreams when the details crop up.

The energy around me has shifted. I feel supported, held, loved, cared for, more alive, and yes, much less alone.

So perhaps the trade off is some messiness.

I am alive and in a place of rebirth, reawakening, rekindling of my soul and self and identity. I am not perfect — I am just more awake, more aware, more understanding, more open, more at peace– there is less of a struggle internally.

We really value and respect each other. 

Do I trust myself? I trust myself.

I know that I’ve “been here” before.

My goal this week: Be intentional.

Reminder: it takes focus, time, and hard fucking work.

I want to tap into my creative energy. Somehow.

I am here. Let’s go, Barbara.

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